14 October 2010

The Quickening- VAMPIRES SUCK

UPDATE: You can read my more discursive and rational review of this film on Den of Geek.

Masters of un-funny Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg set their sights on Twilight with Vampires Suck, their latest so-called comedy. Becca Crane moves to the sleepy town of Sporks and finds herself torn between two men- sparkling vampire Edward, whose commitment issues stem from his bloodsucking family trying to eat his prospective girlfriends, and his dogged rival for her affections, Jacob. Hilarity ensues on a rollercoaster through pop-culture and teenage vampire relationships.

Oh, I should probably mention at this point in the review that Vampires Suck is utter dog shit. Surprise!

In all honesty, there's a more full review that I wrote for Den of Geek coming online in the next few days. I'll link to that review then, because there's no different way to phrase how crap this film is. Here are some pictures, with a brief explanation of my position. It's a piss-take of this...

... from the guys who gave you this...

... and this...

... and it looks like this.

Does any of that look or sound appealing to you? It's the film that finally made me abandon my work ethic with reviews and go for picture-based lols over actual analysis and opinion. Why? Because they didn't bother to make any effort making this distended YouTube video that's somehow making it into cinemas come Friday. Why the Mormon-bashing fuck would I bother to write a thousand words telling you why it's comfortably the worst film of 2010? It's such a ringer for that position that it's not even worth the cyberspace this post is taking up. Friedberg and Seltzer have somehow made a spoof that's less funny than actually watching Twilight or New Moon. Jings!

It's a film that almost defies reasonable analysis, like monkeys throwing their faeces at psychologists trying to find Rorschach patterns in the splatter. Once again, for the cheap seats, DO NOT GO AND SEE VAMPIRES SUCK. For the love of sweet Buddy Christ, enough is enough. If you do see Vampires Suck, don't bother coming and telling me, because this is what you'll get...

2007- I just saw Epic Movie. Yes, that is blood.
For Den of Geek, I'll force myself to be reasonable. For my own blog, where I'm allowed to vent about shit that made me physically sick, this is what you get. Fuck this movie.

Vampires Suck is infecting cinemas from Friday. Don't you dare go and see it.
If you've seen Vampires Suck, I refer you to the previous graphic. Don't worry- tomorrow we'll have a totally rational review of one of the five best films of 2010 so far. I just need to calm down.

I'm Mark the mad prophet, and until next time, don't watch anything I wouldn't watch.


Simon said...

Wow, I just couldn't get myself to watch this garbage. Great review.

the glamabelle said...

i loved vampires suc , also a huge fan of twilight so call me tasteless ive heard it all before, me and every girl i know cant get enough of matt lanter as edward in this hilarious movie !!!

Mark said...

Trust me, I'm never going to call you tasteless for liking Twilight, if we keep things relative to you liking this monstrosity.
Thanks for the comment.